10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love

By Tina Tessina

Falling in Love

Although you might think of “falling in love” as romantic; we all fall in love many times in life: with a new lover, a new friend, a particularly cooperative co-worker, an appealing movie or TV star, a caring neighbor, siblings, relatives and even pets. Any close relationship involves falling in love at least a little bit, and it’s these connections that make life pleasurable.

But, sometimes making connections becomes scary, and you feel the need to protect yourself instead of reaching out with an open heart. I see many clients who have trouble connecting with others, making enjoyable friendships, and have struggles with family members, so they experience relationships of all types as difficult and painful. There are many reasons people hold back and remain closed off. Holding back and resisting caring can cause you to become overcommitted to certain relationships (co-dependent), too clingy in others, or to appear cold and standoffish.

Here are ten reasons you may not feel comfortable being open and available for love:

1. You’ve been burned before: If you got hurt or disappointed in a prior relationship, you might be reluctant to take another risk.

2. Shyness: Being afraid of meeting new people will hold you back from meeting the person you can fall in love with. No matter how cool you may be in your business dealings, with your friends, or in front of strangers you don’t want to date, if you’re contemplating meeting people to date, you may stammer, get tongue tied, blush, fidget, look at everything but the person, your heart may race, and you can find yourself breaking out in all kinds of mannerisms that remind you of being a teen.

3. Holding out for Mr/Ms Right: If you reject everyone who seems less than perfect at first glance, you might reject the very one you could fall in love with, if you got to know their finer qualities.

4. Growing up in a dysfunctional family: Growing up with parents who fought a lot or were angry, cold or violent; or with a divorced or single parent who couldn’t develop relationships that lasted can leave you without a skill set for finding and making a connection with a healthy person

5. Sex too soon: Having sex right away changes your connection from possible relationship to one-night stand. You can cease to be a person in your date’s eyes, and just become a booty call.

6. Body image issues: If you’re too self-critical about your body and your look, you may be so self-obsessed that you never even notice when someone else likes you, and you miss your chance.

7. Sexual hang-ups: if you’re too focused on sex, or too repressed about it, you’ll be reluctant to allow intimacy and love to grow.

8. Violent history: If you were in a previous violent relationship, you’ll have PTSD that will stop you from taking another risk.

9. Low self-confidence: If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you won’t allow others to get close and discover you.

10. Still Grieving: If you haven’t recovered from your last relationship, it’s too soon to let someone else in. I’ve seen many people in my office who say they don’t want another relationship, or even a pet, because losing the last one hurt too much.

No matter how well prepared you are, every new relationship will be unique. Some will obviously be better than others. The whole point of meeting new people is to get to know them and let them discover you. Since everyone you meet will be a unique individual, there’s no way to be completely prepared for what will happen. Every new relationship is a surprise and a mystery. If you are prepared to learn and to be surprised, seeking to control only your own responses, and prepared to make realistic plans and decisions, you’ll enjoy most of the experience. Caring means venturing into the unknown, exploring and learning, so enjoy the adventure, and you’ll get the best results.

If you are an adult, you have a lot of life experience, sometimes called baggage. Some of your experience will be helpful, and some will be problematic. If you take the time to examine your history and experience, you’ll find you’ve learned a lot, and when you learn from a loss or a mistake, you grow your emotional repertoire, and I think it’s how we grow our souls.

The skill you’ve learned in your life, in work, with friends, in team sports and social events, and at school can be very helpful in all your relationships, if you understand that you can transfer other life skills to the dating situation. If you hire and/or manage people in your job, for example, use the intuitive skill you’ve developed there to “Scope out” someone you’ve just met. Without being obvious, you can “interview” this person, and draw out information. If what you hear would make you want to hire him or her, then a friendship might be a good experience.

Emotional traumas from childhood and past relationships is called baggage, because it’s extra “stuff” carried into all your relationships, which effects how you perceive your interactions.

Beginning (or even contemplating) a relationship activates these memories, and brings your old fears and insecurities to the surface. Old issues have not been resolved—such as fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection—will surface to be cleared away. For example, if you had a competitive relationship with your siblings, you may find yourself competing with other people in inappropriate ways.

Once you learn, very early in life, that relationships, (including with your original family, childhood friendships, teenage friendships or adult relationships) don’t happen automatically, and problems can come up, especially emotionally painful problems, it’s very easy to become phobic, or intensely afraid, of being hurt or rejected.

To overcome the fear, you need to learn to look at your relationships in a new way. You can ‘meet’ people you already know; even family members, by looking at them differently. Instead of thinking about your parent, sibling or extended family member in the same old way, try meeting them anew, as you would a stranger, and finding out who they are apart from what you already know. Asking a family member about their history before you were born, or an experience they had that you were not part of will give you a new perspective.

Because each new person is a new experience, you probably feel out of control; and you are. There is no way to control what will happen, or how the other person will act or respond. However, you are always in control of your own actions and responses, and that can make a vast difference in how your friendships and relationships progress. If you keep in mind that you get to choose what you say and do, and it’s about enjoying the other person, not pleasing them, you’ll have better results.

Prior pain is often a reason why people dread a new experience. If your history of relationships has been painful, hurtful or a disaster; it’s natural not to want to try it again. But, even one good relationship experience can help heal the hurts from the past relationships that did not work out.

Relationships cause you to grow emotionally, which can be a bit scary. If you keep in mind, however, that the “new you” you are creating will be happier, more socially confident, and very likely happier, you can overcome reluctance and get enthused. You will actually be able to relax, and have a good time.

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10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love

Chris Martin, Get Away From Gwyneth Paltrow!

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t even look happy in happier times.

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow had the most infamous and pretentious public separation ever: Her “conscious uncoupling,” which she announced via her obnoxiously WASP-y GOOP blog, became an international sensation just based on how ridiculous the whole thing was. And now they’re trying to consciously couple again.

A source told Radar Online, “Chris still lives with her, they are amazingly lovey-dovey together and she still wears her wedding ring. They may have consciously uncoupled a few months ago – but they seem to be recoupling now. No one will be surprised if they get back together.” The insider added, “It’s true they had problems but in the weirdest way this ‘conscious uncoupling’ situation has relieved the pressure on them.”

Here’s the problem with recoupling: Paltrow never really wanted to split — at least not publicly — and that’s a problem, especially considering Martin may have had a wandering eye throughout their marriage. For all her egocentricity, Paltrow clearly has self-esteem issues if feigning a picket fence for the public is more important to her than her own self-respect.

Additionally, The “my life is so hard being a millionaire with well-connected parents and servants and a rockstar husband and a mansion, damn all you working mothers with your convenient 9-to-5″ attitude is bound to get old, and sources previously revealed that Paltrow wanted to keep up appearances with the Coldplay singer. She wanted to break up, but she didn’t want the world to know they were breaking up, because it would shatter her manufactured, out-of-touch image of domestic bliss.

As a result, reuniting with the insufferable Paltrow may just be a public relations ploy on her part more than true romantic feelings, real effort to work things out and an actual happy future together. And based on her obsession with image, snobbery and perfection, it doesn’t sound like anyone could really have a happy future with Paltrow.

Here’s hoping Chris Martin finally gets to go to McDonald’s if he wants. And that he writes another “The Scientist.”

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Chris Martin, Get Away From Gwyneth Paltrow!

Yes, Chris Harrison Would Date A Former "Bachelor" Contestant!

“I love hosting and creating the show that is ‘The Bachelor’.”

No one gives advice on love quite like Bachelor and Bachelorette host Chris Harrison. No matter the situation — be it right after you tell the man you thought you loved, “Ess not OK,” or the moment you kick a man out for his faux pas of forgetting to mention his girlfriend back home — Harrison always seems to know the right thing to say. Don’t even try to deny that you’ve applied his words of wisdom to your own dating life once or twice.

Unfortunately, Chris Harrison’s own romantic life hasn’t been all, well, roses. He split with his wife of 18 years, Gwen Jones, two years ago.

“Get yourself right and happy before you do anything, before you bring anybody else into any relationships,” Harrison shares his life-after-divorce advice with YourTango in a recent interview. “Figure out where you are in your life, no matter what that is.”

Since the divorce, Chris has been spotted holding hands and cuddling up to a few women, but he has yet to hand out his final rose — and he’s not throwing out the possibility of that rose going to a former Bachelor contestant.

“I’ll never say never to anything — you get in trouble when you do that — but definitely while the show is going on, whether it’s Bachelor or it’s Bachelorette, I never really look at it as an opportunity,” Harrison said.

And while he may not be shutting the fantasy-suite door on dating former contestants, he slams any talk of Chris Harrison being named the next Bachelor — despite pleading from viewers.

“People have to understand this is what I do … and this is what I love to do. I love television, and I love hosting it. And I love hosting and creating the show that is The Bachelor. So I hope people understand that I believe in what the show’s about, and I believe in what it does. And I also believe in what I do, and I really love my job. And so, I hate to say that it’s clinical that I approach it as a job. I approach these people as friends, to a certain degree, but … it really is work,” said Harrison.

Sorry, single women; it doesn’t look like he’ll be accepting a rose from ABC any time soon.

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Yes, Chris Harrison Would Date A Former "Bachelor" Contestant!

Angry Bones: What My Father Hid Behind His Rage

He loved what was most beautiful in life.

When we were kids, my sister and I always got in trouble on Father’s Day.

The problem wasn’t our gift (which was always the same: White Owl cigars), but rather, no matter what cards we bought, they were wrong. Either they didn’t cost enough and so showed that we didn’t really appreciate my father, or they cost too much and proved we were wasteful and didn’t care about his and my mother’s hard work. After all, they earned the allowance money that we used to buy the cards.

He never said anything to us, but then again he never talked about his feelings, he wasn’t raised to. He grew up the ninth of 10 children; his mother was exhausted and his father wasn’t around much.

He did not come from a generation when people aired their feelings. And even if he had been born later, I bet he wasn’t the kind of man who would have expressed them anyway. I wouldn’t call him the strong silent type because he had very loud rages. But he also was not a man who would have thought it important to articulate his needs — only his frustrations and his disappointments.

When I was older and no longer lived with him, if I called him on Father’s Day, he asked why I hadn’t sent a card (even if I had sent it and he hadn’t gotten it yet). If I sent a card, he accused me of not wanting to talk to him.

There was no way of winning. My father, a WW II veteran, once said that when he was a young soldier, friends were killed as soon as he felt close to them so he stopped making friends. I suspect, though, that his rages predated the war.

He screamed. He broke things. And his reputation as a bad parent was highlighted by my mother’s saintliness. Everyone — neighbors, friends, relatives, teachers, people who worked with her, my sister and I — always said how wonderful my mother was.

On the other hand, people didn’t say much about my father, even though he was good looking enough to attract plenty of attention. He had black curly hair and green eyes, and when he was out cutting the grass, neighborhood women always stopped to talk to him.

He was a wonderful handyman and could fix anything. He trained himself to be a woodworker, a plumber, an electrician and a gardener. But he was mainly known for his temper and the inequality between him and my mother. She attended college and was a professional success at a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. He never got to high school, and was always quitting jobs because he didn’t feel appreciated enough.

A marriage between a saint and a sinner isn’t uncommon. But my father wasn’t really a sinner. He just couldn’t live up to my mother, although he adored her.

“You think I don’t know I married above myself?” he asked us all the time, as though anyone was going to argue that with him. “Your mother doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.” For a while as a kid, I thought that bones carried emotions. His bones were pretty angry.

For a year or so, he was a truck driver and he would send postcards to my mother everyday. The cards always had beautiful pictures. Even as a child, I felt that the cards showed him to be filled with a kind of longing and love that he could never express. I remember feeling badly about that and it created a kind of longing in me. I wanted my mother to know what he was trying to say. My wonderful, brilliant mother didn’t get my father in some basic way. Although she was nice to everyone, she didn’t understand feelings.

The trouble with the cards, from my mother’s point of view, was that all they ever said was: “To Mary, with love.” She would toss them away, impatient that he “had nothing to say.” Nightly I would sneak into the kitchen and pick his cards out of the garbage. Many of them were black and white and were of the towns he was passing through. Always, they showed some beauty, some indefinable quality.

It is difficult as a child to go against what you are taught, and I was taught that in the world my mother’s qualities were valued and my father’s were not (except by flirting women).

Though he acted gruff, he had a rare appreciation for the power and beauty of nature. At the beach, he would run into the ocean and swim beyond the waves as though he was made for the powerful currents. On a road trip in the country, he would often pull the car over and say he just wanted to get out a moment.

“Girls do you want to come see?”

“See what?” my mother would ask. He had no answer but I always got out with him. He had always stopped in a beautiful place and that was what there was to see.

He would get back into the car and say something that to my mother probably confirmed his stupidity like, “all cities are alike but when you come out to the country there is something to see.”

“How can you say that when cities are teeming with culture?” my mother would respond.

It was my father who planted flowers, his large back bent over, his face tender when he didn’t know anyone was watching him. And I didn’t know what I was picking up as a child when I watched him. I would sit on the stoop and try to be invisible. I would see the raw life in him, the tenderness, and even during his rages, puzzled as I was, I think I was aware that people often carry more inside than they know what to do with. I could never get close to him, but I was deeply moved by him.

If he were alive this Father’s Day, I would send a card and I would call. Maybe I would even pay him a face-to-face visit. I would thank him. I would be filled with feeling, though I would also feel as inarticulate as he apparently did when he sent those postcards.

But I would try to tell him what he meant to me. And maybe, just maybe, he would actually listen. 

Dear Dad,

It is sometimes hard to know what someone has given us until many years later.

Thank you for your vitality. Thank you for your love of nature. Thank you for your big feelings. For your sake and ours, I wish you had known better how to express them but still you contained a strong life force and that taught me something basic about people.

Difficult as it is to express to you exactly what you have given, I am grateful and I send love.

Your daughter

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Angry Bones: What My Father Hid Behind His Rage

Welcome, Pippa: The Middletons Are Coming To America!

Pippa Middleton is doing America!

Pippa Middleton is bringing her brand to the United States!

The sister of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge — the pretentious royal name given to the adorable Kate Middleton — and sister-in-law to Prince William (Duke of Cambridge) will be here on a charity trip.

Pippa and brother James will make a 3,000 mile bicycle trek across the United States with their friend, James Matthews, for Race Across America. They will race in honor of Matthews’ brother, Michael, who passed away in 1999 after a descent from Mt. Everest when he was 22 years old. Michael was the youngest Briton to make it to the top of the mountain.

The race will begin in Oceanside, California and end in Annapolis, Maryland.

It’s not Pippa’s first endurance rodeo: She’s previously participated in endurance ski races and other athletic events. It’s how she keeps that inexplicably infamous bum so taut!

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Welcome, Pippa: The Middletons Are Coming To America!

14 Steps To Making A Striptease Sexy (Not Awkward)

Step one? Practice!

If you feel like getting a little more adventurous with your foreplay then perhaps you want to try strip teasing. Now for the amateur this is type of foreplay may seem scary since it can potentially be physically dangerous and easily awkward if your partner can tell that you don’t know what you’re doing, but with these 14 steps from The Stir, you can turn into your own sexy, graceful version of Dita Von Teese in no time!

Step 1. Practice. Don’t just wing it and rely on intuition and “the mood.” Try it alone first in front of a mirror, trying out different moves, music, and clothes. “It’s really about capturing the spirit of it all. It’s about your individuality,” Dita says. And by the way, you may want to look up some of Dita’s strip teases on YouTube and steal a few of her moves.

Find the rest of the steps here: 14 Steps To Doing A Striptease Dance That’s Sexy Not Awkward

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14 Steps To Making A Striptease Sexy (Not Awkward)

How Scandalous! 10 Celebrities Who Got Caught Cheating

Kristen Stewart attends the ‘Clouds Of Sils Maria’ premiere.

Yikes! These celebrities were caught cheating! But to add to their embarrassment, it was all caught on camera for the world to see.

From Kristen Stewart’s infamous affair with married director Rupert Sanders while she was still with Robert Pattinson to the now married couple LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s continuous feud with his ex-wife, Brandi Glancille, things sure got ugly. The craziest part is that it doesn’t stop there. From politicians to singers to actresses, no one is spared.

Trust us; you don’t want to miss this one. Click here to find out which other celebrities were caught red handed: Celebrities Who Got Caught Cheating

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How Scandalous! 10 Celebrities Who Got Caught Cheating

Lost In Translation: How Can We Bridge The Gender Gap?

It often seems like the opposite sex is speaking a whole different language. Even you’re both clearly fluent in the same language, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are communicating with one another effectively.

Spirtual coach Cynthia James and her husband Carl Studna discuss their new online teleseries Bridging The Gender Gap which involves the development of trust and understanding between men and women.

If you want to avoid being lost in translation, Bridging The Gender Gap will provide you with all the help you need. Watch the video above to catch a sneak peak of the online series.

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Lost In Translation: How Can We Bridge The Gender Gap?

Detached And Dating: 7 Steps To Playing It Cool With A New Guy

Don’t put so much pressure on a relationship and let things occur naturally.

You’ve seen the benefits and advantages of Relationship Lite (RL). Now you’re wondering how to put it into practice. This article will give you some tips you can practice today and change your dating life for the better.

Before we get started, let’s talk a little about men and commitment. Many of you will practice RL in hopes of getting a commitment and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s natural for you to want a committed relationship. But keep in mind that many women get to that point much quicker than men do. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you when a man is taking longer to decide whether or not he wants a future with you.

For a typical woman, taking it a bit slower takes practice and time. However, this is not something you can fake or pretend. You can’t be thinking that you want a commitment and to move things to the “next level” all while telling a guy you aren’t sure what you want. You will both want to stay honest and open about how you feel and refrain from hidden agendas. If you have an agenda in your head, your energy will show that and the man will sense it.

In the first 90 days of a relationship, a man can’t really promise you more than monogamy and an exclusive dating relationship. If he finds himself really liking you and enjoying your company, he will continue to ask you out and may even introduce you to friends and family.

For a man, the first level of commitment is sexual exclusivity. He won’t sleep with anyone else, but be aware that in his mind, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re his “girlfriend“. In his mind, he’s still dating you and getting to know you. Because sex means commitment for many women, you may wish to consider holding off on intimacy until you’re more sure about the guy.

If you know you’re the kind of woman who tends to fall in love quickly after becoming sexual with a man, there’s always the chance that he could break your heart if he breaks it off. For various biological and psychological reasons, men don’t bond through sex as quickly as women do, and for that reason, you’ll want to be careful about too much, too soon.

Steve Harvey (the author) suggests a 90 Day Rule (waiting 90 days before having sex) and personally, I believe it’s ludicrous to have a set agenda. If you saw the movie he produced “Think Like a Man,” to the best of my knowledge, not one woman waited 90 days for sex (so he didn’t even practice what he preached).

Here’s the rule that I suggest, and it’s easy to remember. It’s just four letters……C.A.R.E.

• 
  C: Comfortable (sex is a personal choice and when it’s comfortable, it’s right).


• 
  A: Aware of the consequences (if you easily bond, know that sex, for men, doesn’t equal a relationship).


• 
  R: Real (learn his real intentions with you).


• 
  E: Exclusive Sex Agreement (be upfront if monogamy is important to you).

As always, the decision to have sex (or not) is yours. I want to protect your heart. This is why I recommend you don’t have sex unless and until you know you will be okay with whatever happens afterward.

Here are seven easy ways to incorporate RL into your life:

1. 
   As always, date passionately detached. It fits right in with RL, live and date with all options open, but you’re attached to none of them.


2. 
   Allow yourself to be, not do. Receive what he gives you and give yourself permission to live in your open, happy feminine energy. Don’t give more than he gives. In fact, refrain from giving too many gifts and favors.


3. 
   Don’t project into tomorrow — live in the moment. Fully experience each minute you spend with him. Don’t worry about what comes next. Let things unfold as they will.


4. 
   Enjoy your life. Enjoy your friends, family, work, hobbies. Make those your focus while your dating him, not an afterthought.


5. 
   Allow him to be who he is. Accept him for who he is, not who you wish he was. If he is far less than you want him to be, let that be a sign to move on. Do not take on the project of trying to make him what you want him to be.


6. 
   Be open to the surprise and adventure of dating. This will take some practice, but the less you expect, the more you’ll get. He won’t always do things the way you want him to, but let him do things his way. He’s not wrong, just different.


7. 
   Be yourself, not who you think you should be. If you don’t like sports, don’t pretend that you do just to please him. He will appreciate your honesty.

As a man, I’ll get kicked out of the club for saying this, but women are the higher species. You have a lot of influence with us men. When you go RL, you protect yourself more, you enjoy the relationship and him more, you’ll feel more secure, happier and more confident in yourself and the relationship.

You’ll learn what you truly want and don’t want in a man, because you’ll see them for who they really are, not who you want them to be. In short, it’s a happier, more genuine and more honest way to approach relationships than you’ve ever experienced before. Once you go Lite, you’ll never go back to the old ways of dating.

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Detached And Dating: 7 Steps To Playing It Cool With A New Guy

This $26,000 Mistake Cost A Man His Fiancée

Find out what got her packing!

Everyone has their deal breakers, but once you guys get engaged you would hope that you both passed each other’s tests. By that time you hopefully get along with each other’s family, you both have an idea of what kind of marriage you want, and what kind of household you both want to have. This couple however disagreed on the last part and is now broken up all because of a $26,000 man cave!

When you think of a “man cave” you might picture a comfortable Lazy Boy, a few sports posters, and a big flat screen. But this guy’s themed man cave ended up scaring away his fiancée. Do you think she had a right to leave?

Find out here: This Man’s $26,000 ‘Man Cave’ Cost Him His Fiancée

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This $26,000 Mistake Cost A Man His Fiancée

Did Kris Jenner Pay A Former Lover To Silence Him?

Nine seasons later, ‘KUWTK’ is still going thanks to momager, Kris!

Kris Jenner has already admitted to cheating on her belated husband, Rob Kardashian, with her lover Todd Waterman in her memoir. The question is, did she pay him off to keep him quiet?

A handy dandy Non Disclosure Agreement seems to always do the trick for the Kardashian matriarch when it comes to dealing with business. Did she also use it as a solution to her personal problems? Todd’s mother, Liza Waterman, addressed the rumors recently and you will be surprised by what she has to say!

Scandalous. What do you think? Is that something Kris Jenner would do?

Click Here To Find Out What Kris Jenner’s Ex Lover’s Mother Has To Say

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Did Kris Jenner Pay A Former Lover To Silence Him?

The Real Reason Over Half Of Women Divorce In Midlife

Emotionally abused women aren’t weak or stupid.

It’s no secret that midlife or “gray” divorce is skyrocketing. And, according to the AARP, 66 percent of these divorces (which have doubled since 1990) are initiated by women.

But the numbers, without any narrative, are just numbers. They don’t tell us why so many women, seemingly in droves, are making this heartbreakingly difficult decision.

My interest piqued,I designed and distributed a survey to find out more.Hundreds of women took the survey and told their stories. And I am very grateful they did. Because I’m a psychotherapist who has worked with dozens of divorced and divorcing folks, I wasn’t prepared to be surprised by the results. As it turns out, I was both intrigued and enlightened by many of the findings. But the one piece of data that most surprised me was this: A whopping 53 percent of women said they divorced their spouses because of emotional or psychological abuse. This was the number one reason women gave for leaving their marriages.

What is emotional (or psychological) abuse exactly? It’s the systematic manipulation of one person by another— through intimidation, bullying and criticism— in order to gain control. Emotionally abusive partners do this by making their spouses feel inadequate, stupid, guilty, lazy or ugly. There’s practically nothing the victim can do to win the favor of the abusive partner. She may be on her best behavior (defined by him), cook his favorite food every night, or lose 20 pounds so he’ll find her more attractive.

Newsflash: None of these things will make a whit of difference. It often takes time before the victim realizes the futility of her efforts, so she will continue to dance like a marionette to please her implacable spouse. Emotional abuse is always present at the start of a relationship, despite how cleverly cloaked it may be in humor or concern or love. It never magically appears overnight.

People with a propensity to emotionally abuse carefully select partners who seem susceptible. Emotional abuse can, at least initially, fly below the radar. And emotional abusers are so masterful at their insidious craft that they’re expert in not scaring potential victims away. How do you know if you’re in (or heading into) an emotionally abusive marriage? Simply put, if you don’t have healthy autonomy — in speaking or socializing or living — then you’re already in a danger zone.

Are you watching what you say, who you engage with, or how you dress in order to contain his reactions? Do you limit what you tell others about the relationship because it’s an unspoken rule you shouldn’t talk about it? Emotional abuse begins with rules put in place by your partner. Rules designed to ultimately diminish and control you.

For over 50 percent of the survey respondents, years of being chastised and belittled finally took their toll.

Enough of a toll that they ended their marriages because of it. Here’s what some of the respondents had to say, post-divorce, about being free from the emotional abuse they endured in their marriages.

Their relief is palpable:

• “I am free to pursue my interests without being made to feel guilty.”


• “The best thing is not having someone to say no to things you want to do.”


• “Being able to be my own person with my own goals and dreams without being told I’m ‘silly and pointless’ for the first time since I was 16 years old.”


• “Not feeling as if I have to live my life under someone else’s ‘rules.’”

And while we now know over half of women surveyed left their marriages because of emotional abuse, even more (a full 70 percent) said they had married because they were in love. But as sure as the love was there, so was the flagrant abuse, lying in wait until the unique insularity of marriage gave it license to show its full face. The wise, insightful women who took my survey are no different from me, you, your daughter, your manicurist, your physician or your favorite actress.

Emotionally abused women aren’t weak or stupid.

Almost anyone can be a victim of emotional abuse at some point during her life. To be clear, there’s no shame in being vulnerable to your spouse or working hard on your marriage. But it is problematic when you flail away at improving an irretrievably broken relationship while watching any semblance of self-respect disappear in the rearview.

Change can’t happen without insight. And a victim of emotional abuse may temporarily lose her capacity for insight as everything she ever believed about herself — and basic human kindness and decency— becomes skewed and distorted as a result of the abuse. But the data here is hopeful. The numbers tell us that somehow, some way, victims of emotional abuse are finding their way back to health and self-love. More than ever before in history, women are making it abundantly clear they’re no longer willing to stay married to partners who abuse them.

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The Real Reason Over Half Of Women Divorce In Midlife

5 Affordable Date Ideas: Woo Your Girl Without Breaking The Bank

Don’t let the fact that you’re broke get in the way of love.

For men, the quest of getting a girlfriend is difficult on two levels: actually getting a girlfriend in the first place and keeping up financially. The latter is tricky because men are often the ones who pay for dates. Sometimes because they insist and sometimes because their date wants someone who is a bit traditional.

In order to impress, men feel as though they must open their wallets. This, ultimately, makes getting a girlfriend an expensive feat.

For some, this is not a big deal — they have a good job, they have a trust fund, they invented Facebook. But, most men, particularly if they are young and in entry level jobs, don’t make the kinds of cash that allows them to shell out a hundred dollars on red roses or two hundred dollars on lobster dinners. So, they have three options: quit dating, rob a bank, or get creative.

Those who opt to get creative often find that dating doesn’t have to be ridiculously expensive. There are, in fact, dozens of dating ideas that don’t require you to take out a second mortgage on your home.

So, once you’ve accomplished the task of getting a girlfriend and have moved on to the task of keeping a girlfriend, consider these five cheap date ideas:

A Sunset Walk

A sunset walk is unbelievably romantic and completely free. But, it is limited to certain times of the year. A sunset walk in Denver in June will probably be perfect, a sunset walk in Minnesota in the middle of February probably won’t.

A Picnic

A picnic is another date that costs very little, except for a few bucks to buy sandwiches and coleslaw. It’s also quite romantic, whether it’s at dinner or lunch, the mountains or the beach. Even a simple picnic at the park can paint you as incredibly thoughtful.

A Festival

Depending on where you live, festivals can be extraordinarily common. They are more common in the summer months when there is one every other hour, but they do exist all year long. The best part about them is they are a very cheap way to go out and do something a little different.

You need to take a few bucks for the obligatory turkey leg you’ll be forced to purchase (they might not let you leave until you do), but most people can have fun at festivals for minimal dough (oddly, about as much as used in Funnel Cakes).

A Blood Drive

Going to a blood drive, or just a blood bank, if there are no drives going on, is another date idea that costs you nothing. It’s also one of the easiest, and least time-consuming, ways to volunteer.

You and your date can donate blood side by side before having a lovely meal of juice boxes and sugar cookies. Plus, Dylan and Brenda did it on 90210, so you know it has to be awesome.

A Camping Trip

A camping trip is a very affordable date idea as long as you already have most of the gear. Running out and buying a tent, a lantern and a sub-zero sleeping bag isn’t exactly going to save you money. But, if you have the gear, camping will really only cost you in gas and food (and perhaps license fees if you plan to fish).

It’s also teaming with romanticism: from the fireside kisses to cuddling underneath the stars. Just be sure to mention it to your girlfriend beforehand. If she’s expecting red wine and a down comforter, she may be less than thrilled with canned beans and the potential rabies exposure.

To learn more about getting a girlfriend and keeping a girlfriend, click here.

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5 Affordable Date Ideas: Woo Your Girl Without Breaking The Bank

What"s The Difference Between Men And Women? Our Brains

Sometimes, you just can’t get through to each other.

Are men and women really that different? From my perspective, we are the same at the spiritual level; we all want to be loved, supported, seen and heard. We all want to be appreciated for our gifts and honored for our contributions.

The difference is in how we think and respond to situations and people often become frustrated when members of the opposite sex act differently than how they expect. Those I counsel in my practice make statements like “I wish he would listen to me like my girlfriends” or “I wish she would stop wanting me to talk so much.” The result of these expectations is frustration, blame and unhealthy relationships. And this isn’t just speculation; there is scientific evidence that men and women are indeed wired differently.

• In a study from the National Academy of Sciences in 2013, researchers discovered physical differences between the brains of men and women. Men are generally better at spatial tasks involving muscle control while women are better at verbal tasks involving memory and intuition.


• In 2001, researchers from Harvard found that certain parts of the brain are differently sized in males and females. Women’s brain processes were more complicated than those in men, but this allows for women to possibly think at a faster rate.


• Louann Brizendine, founder and director of the University of California, San Francisco’s Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic, published The Female Brain, in which she notes that women are chatterboxes, speaking an average of 20,000 words per day, which is nearly three times the mere 7,000 words spoken by men.


• Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have drawn on nearly 1,000 brain scans to show that on average, men’s brains  are wired more for perception and task-oriented actions, while women’s are wired for social skills, intuition and memory, which makes them better equipped for multitasking, emotional and relational connections.

So, why does this information matter? Think about it. If we understand that we are physiologically and emotionally wired differently, we can cease to expect each other to think, function and respond in the same way. Instead we can take the opportunity to learn from each other’s difference and accept each other for the unique people that we are.

My husband, Carl Studna and I are thrilled to be hosting a free online teleseries in mid-June entitled, Bridging The Gender Gap – Developing Trust and Understanding Between Men and Women and we’d love to have you join us. Visit: www.bridgingthegendergap.net for information and to sign up.

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What"s The Difference Between Men And Women? Our Brains

Dating Rules To Screw: Why You Should Have The Ex Talk Right Way

Conventional wisdom tells us never to talk about your ex on a first date but maybe conventional wisdom is wrong. Is there a way that you can talk about your ex while being cautious of how this reflects you?

Dating and relationship coach Laurel House debunks the popular belief that says you shouldn’t talk about your ex on a first date. Not only does talking about your ex give you the opportunity to open up to your dates, it might even make them feel good about themselves. As surprising as it sounds, it really does work! In fact, check out this strategy on never having a bad first date ever again; it just may be the key to ending those awkward silences and letting everything else fall into place.

Watch the video above to find out why your ex should be a topic of discussion.

Dating Rules To Screw: Why You Should Have The Ex Talk Right Way

Watch For This Red Flag: Your Boyfriend"s BFF Is A Woman

They look awfully cozy…

When I was younger, I had several close male friends. As the years passed, that shifted as I realized either they were hoping to sleep with me by playing the friendship card, or as soon as they were in a committed relationship, it felt like “Neelou who?”

In my mid twenties, I stopped keeping the company of male friends (unless they were gay) … with the exception of Gil, my best guy friend. Other than Gil, I firmly believe that there can be no true, lasting friendship between members of the opposite sex. Not a close friendship, at least. If you peel back enough layers between two friends of the opposite sex who spend a lot of time keeping one another’s company, one always has feelings for the other.

And then … my hypothesis was proven, without a doubt. 

Find out how here: Hey, If Your Boyfriend’s BFF Happens To Be Female, You Might Want To Run Away Now

Watch For This Red Flag: Your Boyfriend"s BFF Is A Woman

Watch For This Red Flag: Your Boyfriend"s BFF Is A Woman

They look awfully cozy…

When I was younger, I had several close male friends. As the years passed, that shifted as I realized either they were hoping to sleep with me by playing the friendship card, or as soon as they were in a committed relationship, it felt like “Neelou who?”

In my mid twenties, I stopped keeping the company of male friends (unless they were gay) … with the exception of Gil, my best guy friend. Other than Gil, I firmly believe that there can be no true, lasting friendship between members of the opposite sex. Not a close friendship, at least. If you peel back enough layers between two friends of the opposite sex who spend a lot of time keeping one another’s company, one always has feelings for the other.

And then … my hypothesis was proven, without a doubt. 

Find out how here: Hey, If Your Boyfriend’s BFF Happens To Be Female, You Might Want To Run Away Now

Watch For This Red Flag: Your Boyfriend"s BFF Is A Woman

10 Things You Didn"t Know About Tony Awards Host Hugh Jackman

Yeah, yeah, his dog Dali is cute but Hugh Jackman is a hunk.

Ladies, it’s swoon time.

Hunktacular Australian actor Hugh Jackman — who looks as amazing while shirtless, showing ripped abs and rocking Wolverine’s claws as he does singing, dancing and gliding across the screen in fare like Les Miserables — is hosting the 2014 Tonys this Sunday, June 8. Even if you’ve never seen a Broadway show and despise musical theater, Mr. Jackman, and any instances of Neil Patrick Harris, really, are reason enough to tune in to the ceremony.

Jackman, who also hosted the 2009 Oscars and turned down the 2011 gig, is a well-rounded entertainer, who does action movies and graphic novel adaptations, which are really his signature, as flawlessly as theatrical epics. Come on — who doesn’t love Hugh!? He was also the Sexiest Man Alive a few years back, further upping his already highly trading stock.

Below you will find all of the critical intel about Hugh Jackman. Please note that we are not responsible for the quickening of your pulse or the changes in your body temperature or the weakness in your knees upon looking at the accompanying pics. 

Go ahead, brush up on your Hughstory.

 

1. Sexy and smart, Jackman has a degree in communications and journalism from the University of Technology in Sydney in his native Oz.

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2. The actor had recent two bouts with skin cancer, one in November and one in May. He had basal cell carcinomas on his nose; thankfully, those are the least fatal type and were detected early. His wife, who he lovingly refers to as “Deb,” urged him to get the mark on his sniffer checked. Thanks, Deb. Good lookin’ out!

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4. That’s “Deb.” Jackman and wife Deborra-Lee Furness, who is 13 years his senior. They met on the set of the TV show Correlli. Jackman designed her engagement ring and they wed on April 11, 1996. The pair suffered through two miscarriages. They eventually adopted Oscar and Ava and are a big, happy family.

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5. He is versatile — his previous jobs include a gas station attendant and a birthday party clown. Um, we like the visual of the former more than the latter.

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6. He’s left-handed. See Hugh the southpaw with pen in hand here.

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7. Jackman once consumed 6,000 calories a day to pack on the pounds for one of the Wolverine films. He called the diet “rough,” since he was exceeding the normal 3k calorie a day recommendation. Rough? How was he able to move or even breathe after chowing down on that much food?

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8. Jackman and his four siblings put on magic shows when they were kids. That’s Furness, actress Michelle Williams and Jackman, BTW. #Awesome.

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9. He was 40 when PEOPLE (rightfully) christened him the Sexiest Man Alive back in 2008. Swoonin’ for Hugh.

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10. He sang at Nicole Kidman’s wedding to Keith Urban in 2006. #AussieStrong.

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10 Things You Didn"t Know About Tony Awards Host Hugh Jackman