Attitude: From Negative to Gratitude

2

Despite the occasional temporary setback, my life is good, and I’m grateful. It wasn’t always that way, however. At 18, just after I left for college, I was essentially orphaned, and have had to go from no education or support to finding a purpose, supporting myself through a PhD, and developing four businesses to do that. I also recovered from an abusive marriage, and now have been happily married for 23 years, and in successful private practice since 1978. Before I could succeed, I needed to learn to support myself emotionally as well as financially. Having come from a difficult time, I appreciate my blessings, and I find that even the problems have become blessings. Today, I am privileged to use my experiences to work with clients every day to help them become more independent, self-actualizing, fulfilled, and successful.

One of the most powerful tools we have in turning the negative to positive is self-talk. We all have a running dialog in our heads, which often is negative or self-defeating. The good news is that we can choose to replace this negative monologue with something more positive. The brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over, going again and again over established neuronal pathways. Repeating a mantra, an affirmation or a choice over and over creates new pathways, which eventually become automatic. The new thoughts will run through your head like the old thoughts did, or like a popular song you’ve heard over and over.

If your self talk feels “naturally negative,” you may be creating a self-fulfilling identity. One thing you can do is to monitor your self-talk: what do you say to yourself about the upcoming day, about mistakes, about your luck? If these messages are negative, changing them can indeed lift your spirits and your optimism. Know yourself: if you love silence, tend to be quiet, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait — your hearing, and nervous system may be more sensitive than others, and this trait will not go away. You can, however, make the most of it, and learn that creating plenty of quiet in your life will make you a happier person. If, on the other hand, you’re a party animal—social, enjoying noise and excitement, you can also use that as an asset. Positive, happy people do have an easier time in life, and bounce back from problems faster. There are things you can do in every case to increase your level of optimism, even if you can’t change who you are.

Your thoughts affect your mood, and how you relate  to yourself can either lift or dampen your spirits. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones which are synonymous with feelings. Constant self-criticism results in a “what’s the use” attitude, which leads to depression. Continuous free-floating thoughts of impending doom lead to anxiety attacks. Negative self-talk creates stress. What I do to help clients become aware of self-inflicted stress is first, to ask them to become aware of what they’re saying to themselves—if there is a constant stream of negativity, it will create stress—just as being followed around by someone who’s constantly carping on you would be stressful. Also, if they’re fighting within themselves—not able to come to a solid idea of what they want—that will make it difficult to make decisions, and increase the stress. Dysfunctional relationship patterns also are stress-building. For example, if you are constantly guilt-tripped by someone else, or you and your spouse fight, or you are too worried about others’ opinions of who you are and what you’re doing, you’ll be a lot more stressed than if you know how to get along with others, when to listen and when to trust yourself. Most of my clients don’t realize that they are responsible for their own feelings, and no one else is responsible for making them feel better. 

To move from negativity to gratitude, try the following suggestions:

     Make a note: Write positive comments on your daily calendar to yourself for jobs well done or any achievements you want to celebrate. Or you can paste stickers on your daily calendar as you accomplish goals daily  frequent positive commentary is a very effective way to reward yourself and remind yourself of your success.

     Look to your childhood: Use activities that felt like a celebration in your childhood: did your family toast a celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a gathering of friends, or a thankful prayer? Create a celebration environment: use balloons, music, flowers, candles, or set your  table with the best china. Use the exercise on your family style in chapter two to find ideas.

     Visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rosebush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done, or display photos of fun events, and sports or hobby trophies.  It’s a constant reminder that you appreciate yourself and when you see them daily, you’ll feel the appreciation.

     Reward yourself:  A new trashy romance novel or detective thriller can be a great reward/celebration for reading your required technical books.

     Party!: Celebrate a cherished friendship with an impromptu lunchtime picnic and a balloon. Or with tickets to a ball game. (adapted from It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction

Viewed 1 times
Attitude:  From Negative to Gratitude

Anger Management|How to control your anger

By Tina B. Tessina

Anger Management

Anger is a taboo emotion in our culture: we feel it, we express it, but we don’t usually talk about it, so it’s difficult for adults to figure out what to do with their anger. Expressing anger in a dysfunctional way does lead to broken families, and even to landing in the hospital, the morgue and the nightly news.

Anger

Anger

Anger is the force within us that rises when something needs to change. If we act on the need to create change, the anger can be channeled effectively; but if it’s not redirected to something effective, the frustration will build, leading to rage. Anger that is allowed to get out of control is as destructive as a hurricane, but anger that is expressed in healthy ways can “clear the air” just as a storm does. The aftermath of a healthy, not too violent storm allows us to appreciate the pleasures of calmness.

People who have angry outbursts, whether at spouses or freeway traffic, have poor impulse control. They are often “stuck” in the early temper tantrum stage (about age 2 1/2 to 3) because they never learned to manage their own anger. Whoever was supposed to help them manage their temper, such as parents or teachers, were absent, intimidated or helpless, and allowed the child to grow into a raging adult. They may also have witnessed a family member who was a “rageaholic” and frequently angry or violent. People who rage don’t know how to do “emotional maintenance” and shake off stress. They also don’t know how to quit when something is getting to them. Those who allow themselves to rage don’t know how to tell they’re on the brink, or how to stop. They often have a sense of entitlement (“I just have a bad temper,” said with some pride) and a lack of emotional maturity. They’re actually like emotional three year olds in adult bodies, which is dangerous.

The difference between people who lose their temper (throw fits, throw objects, scream and yell) and those who don’t is that those with self control can feel that they’re getting upset, getting close to “losing it.” With enough harassment and pressure, anyone can be goaded into rage.

People keep control of their anger just stop or leave the situation earlier before they are pushed so far. They respect their own anger, and deal with it effectively. As soon as they feel anger is getting out of control, they stop what they’re doing, walk away, change their thinking/attitude, journal, pray, or call a friend to get calmed down.

Easily Angry or Irritated

Being easily angered or irritated is a great way to punish yourself. It raises your blood pressure, and tends to create unnecessary problems with others. Anger interferes with clear thinking, and being irritable makes it unpleasant and difficult for others to work or socialize with you. To reform this habit, you must develop more emotional maturity. Understand that your anger is not seen as power by others, but as childishness and petulance. It will lose you far more than you will gain. Learn to slow down, and reduce your overly high expectations. Allow others to be themselves, and don’t expect them to march to your drum. Counting to 10 works wonders, as does taking three deep breaths when you are upset.

Taking up yoga, meditation, tai chi, or another calming pursuit will teach you patience. Strenuous physical activity is a great way to burn off excess anger. If none of these work, see a therapist or join an anger management group.

An angry reaction is not that rational. It’s an emotional thing. Those who overreact are scared, feel helpless, and are trying to get in control of what’s happening. It’s not rational thinking, and a movie probably won’t help. No matter what you do, don’t get into a fight about anger. It’s better to choose your battles, even if you’re the only one choosing. Your partner cannot fight alone.

Do not accept or make excuses for temper tantrums. A bad temper, sudden outbursts of anger or rage are indications that you or your partner are not in control of your emotions. You don’t know how far someone will take this. Never try to placate or soothe a partner who gets unreasonably angry, and don’t give in to demands. Nip these outbursts in the bud, or get help.

Anger needs to be talked about, but not acted out. Acting out your anger (tantrums, yelling, violence) unless it is done in a carefully controlled therapeutic environment, simply reinforces the idea that anger is the same as acting out. Those therapeutic sessions that urge people to express their anger with yelling are really intended for people who have trouble getting angry. Anger management and abatement requires learning about your anger, what it means, what triggers it, and how to use it in a healthy way.

I teach my clients with anger problems that “He who loses it, loses.” Expressing anger in an out-of-control way will ruin your relationships, cost you your job, separate you from your children, and land you in the hospital or in jail. Instead, you need to understand how to recognize the growth of your anger before it’s too far gone to control, and learn to channel it in healthy ways.

To express your anger effectively, follow these steps:

• First, you must stay calm—if you raise your voice, you won’t be heard, because the other person will become defensive.

• If you aren’t calm, calm down before expressing your anger: count to 10, take deep breaths, talk to someone with whom you are not angry.

• Figure out what you’re angry about. It’s common to be upset or angry but not know exactly what it’s all about. What are you feeling? Who are you angry at? What did he or she do? Taking the time to get clear about your anger will make it easier for you to be clear with your partner, and easier for your partner to figure out what to do. If your partner did something wrong, just blaming still doesn’t make it clear exactly how you were hurt, or what the other person can do to make it right.

• Know what will appease your anger. It is your responsibility to know what the other person can do to be forgiven.

• Understand if you’ll be doing any damage, to yourself or others, by expressing your anger. It’s usually not smart to tell your boss, a policeman, your mother-in-law or other people with power that you’re angry. It’s better to offer a solution in those cases. Raging at children is destructive to their entire being. Also, when someone is deep in grief, or recovering from an illness or big problem like being fired, it is not a good time to talk about your anger. Doing so makes you look uncaring and narcissistic.

• Only after these steps should you directly tell the person that you are angry (I’m angry, and I need to talk with you about it) and explain what you need to fix the problem, (I need you to never hurt me like that again; I need you to pick up your mess; I am not willing to be friends with you if you gossip about me)

• If you’ve followed the steps, you will almost always get a positive response to your anger—an apology and a promise to change behavior.

If you can’t calm down enough to follow the above steps, you may have a rage problem. If that’s the case, then therapy is what you need. Often people who throw temper tantrums (rage) think it’s OK because they grew up in an environment where it was permitted. If, as a child, you or your partner were surrounded by adults who yelled a lot or were violent, or didn’t help you mature out of temper tantrums, you may have a distorted idea of anger.

When you’re in control of your impulses, you don’t have temper tantrums, drink too much, or let your other “animal impulses”: (i.e.: greed, lust, gluttony, pride, rage, jealousy, etc.) take over. We all have negative impulses. The mature person has them under control, and can keep his or her life on an even keel. That is, you think before you react or respond. Inner anarchy exists if you’re getting drunk, raging, remaining in bad relationships “because I love him.”

Self management is not difficult, once you understand it’s your responsibility. Many of us remain mystified about our inner thoughts and feelings, because we’ve never been taught to consult with ourselves before acting. Asking your own opinion about an issue, finding out what you think or feel about it, takes the pressure off you, and gives you the means and opportunity to decide how you’re going to act on what you think and feel.

Anger Management|How to control your anger

10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love

By Tina Tessina

Falling in Love

Although you might think of “falling in love” as romantic; we all fall in love many times in life: with a new lover, a new friend, a particularly cooperative co-worker, an appealing movie or TV star, a caring neighbor, siblings, relatives and even pets. Any close relationship involves falling in love at least a little bit, and it’s these connections that make life pleasurable.

But, sometimes making connections becomes scary, and you feel the need to protect yourself instead of reaching out with an open heart. I see many clients who have trouble connecting with others, making enjoyable friendships, and have struggles with family members, so they experience relationships of all types as difficult and painful. There are many reasons people hold back and remain closed off. Holding back and resisting caring can cause you to become overcommitted to certain relationships (co-dependent), too clingy in others, or to appear cold and standoffish.

Here are ten reasons you may not feel comfortable being open and available for love:

1. You’ve been burned before: If you got hurt or disappointed in a prior relationship, you might be reluctant to take another risk.

2. Shyness: Being afraid of meeting new people will hold you back from meeting the person you can fall in love with. No matter how cool you may be in your business dealings, with your friends, or in front of strangers you don’t want to date, if you’re contemplating meeting people to date, you may stammer, get tongue tied, blush, fidget, look at everything but the person, your heart may race, and you can find yourself breaking out in all kinds of mannerisms that remind you of being a teen.

3. Holding out for Mr/Ms Right: If you reject everyone who seems less than perfect at first glance, you might reject the very one you could fall in love with, if you got to know their finer qualities.

4. Growing up in a dysfunctional family: Growing up with parents who fought a lot or were angry, cold or violent; or with a divorced or single parent who couldn’t develop relationships that lasted can leave you without a skill set for finding and making a connection with a healthy person

5. Sex too soon: Having sex right away changes your connection from possible relationship to one-night stand. You can cease to be a person in your date’s eyes, and just become a booty call.

6. Body image issues: If you’re too self-critical about your body and your look, you may be so self-obsessed that you never even notice when someone else likes you, and you miss your chance.

7. Sexual hang-ups: if you’re too focused on sex, or too repressed about it, you’ll be reluctant to allow intimacy and love to grow.

8. Violent history: If you were in a previous violent relationship, you’ll have PTSD that will stop you from taking another risk.

9. Low self-confidence: If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you won’t allow others to get close and discover you.

10. Still Grieving: If you haven’t recovered from your last relationship, it’s too soon to let someone else in. I’ve seen many people in my office who say they don’t want another relationship, or even a pet, because losing the last one hurt too much.

No matter how well prepared you are, every new relationship will be unique. Some will obviously be better than others. The whole point of meeting new people is to get to know them and let them discover you. Since everyone you meet will be a unique individual, there’s no way to be completely prepared for what will happen. Every new relationship is a surprise and a mystery. If you are prepared to learn and to be surprised, seeking to control only your own responses, and prepared to make realistic plans and decisions, you’ll enjoy most of the experience. Caring means venturing into the unknown, exploring and learning, so enjoy the adventure, and you’ll get the best results.

If you are an adult, you have a lot of life experience, sometimes called baggage. Some of your experience will be helpful, and some will be problematic. If you take the time to examine your history and experience, you’ll find you’ve learned a lot, and when you learn from a loss or a mistake, you grow your emotional repertoire, and I think it’s how we grow our souls.

The skill you’ve learned in your life, in work, with friends, in team sports and social events, and at school can be very helpful in all your relationships, if you understand that you can transfer other life skills to the dating situation. If you hire and/or manage people in your job, for example, use the intuitive skill you’ve developed there to “Scope out” someone you’ve just met. Without being obvious, you can “interview” this person, and draw out information. If what you hear would make you want to hire him or her, then a friendship might be a good experience.

Emotional traumas from childhood and past relationships is called baggage, because it’s extra “stuff” carried into all your relationships, which effects how you perceive your interactions.

Beginning (or even contemplating) a relationship activates these memories, and brings your old fears and insecurities to the surface. Old issues have not been resolved—such as fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection—will surface to be cleared away. For example, if you had a competitive relationship with your siblings, you may find yourself competing with other people in inappropriate ways.

Once you learn, very early in life, that relationships, (including with your original family, childhood friendships, teenage friendships or adult relationships) don’t happen automatically, and problems can come up, especially emotionally painful problems, it’s very easy to become phobic, or intensely afraid, of being hurt or rejected.

To overcome the fear, you need to learn to look at your relationships in a new way. You can ‘meet’ people you already know; even family members, by looking at them differently. Instead of thinking about your parent, sibling or extended family member in the same old way, try meeting them anew, as you would a stranger, and finding out who they are apart from what you already know. Asking a family member about their history before you were born, or an experience they had that you were not part of will give you a new perspective.

Because each new person is a new experience, you probably feel out of control; and you are. There is no way to control what will happen, or how the other person will act or respond. However, you are always in control of your own actions and responses, and that can make a vast difference in how your friendships and relationships progress. If you keep in mind that you get to choose what you say and do, and it’s about enjoying the other person, not pleasing them, you’ll have better results.

Prior pain is often a reason why people dread a new experience. If your history of relationships has been painful, hurtful or a disaster; it’s natural not to want to try it again. But, even one good relationship experience can help heal the hurts from the past relationships that did not work out.

Relationships cause you to grow emotionally, which can be a bit scary. If you keep in mind, however, that the “new you” you are creating will be happier, more socially confident, and very likely happier, you can overcome reluctance and get enthused. You will actually be able to relax, and have a good time.

Viewed 1 times
10 Reasons For Not Falling in Love